Do Dangerous Things, Carefully
Know when to shut up and let your child crash into a snowbank
There was a split-second between her speed wobbling on her balance bike and crashing into a snowbank where I could see her ice-covered face glance in my direction to gauge how she should feel about what just happened.
“That was awesome!” I cried out.
It was awesome. And I knew right away that she was fine. My reaction let her know that it was okay to celebrate what had just happened and when she got the green light from my positive response, she let out the biggest, happiest squeal.
The whole scenario was the perfect middle ground between being too safe and too reckless. She pushed right to the edge of her comfort and ability, and then she went a wee bit further and rode into a snowbank.
And for what it’s worth, the whole falling into the snowbank detail wasn’t a fluke. Or at least I don’t think it was. Before her first run down the hill, I told her to either fall on the grass or into the snow, but avoid falling on the pavement if she could.
My entire approach to parenting potentially ‘dangerous’ situations can be broken into 3 steps:
Verbally prepare her for the challenge she’s about to undertake
Be close by in case she needs my help
Shut up
Before I took the above video, those steps played out like this:
“Alright, kiddo. You’ve practised a lot for this. Remember that if you feel yourself going too fast, put your feet down. If you have to crash, crash into the snow or grass. And remember, daddy’s always nearby if you need help. Got it?”
To which she replied with a slight nervousness, “Yup.”
I said my piece and let her initiate the descent when she felt comfortable. I waited, in silence, with my phone on record, anticipating the very magic that unfolded.
While I always felt that my overall approach to fostering my daughter’s risk-taking was appropriate, it was Jordan Peterson’s advice, in an interview with Theo Von, that made me confident that I was correct in my approach.
“If you’re gonna make your kids tough, which they better be if they’re gonna survive in the world, you can’t interfere when they’re doing dangerous things carefully.”
— Jordan Peterson
Later that weekend, at a family function, my wife commented rather cheekily that Ada seems to improve at physical endeavours a lot quicker when mommy isn’t around.
She knew why, of course. That’s what made the comment funny.
Dads tend to have a much longer leash when it comes to letting our children explore their physical capabilities in the physical world. As we ought to. Our role as a father is to prepare them as best we can for the outside world and we tend to have a better stomach for letting our children push boundaries.
Fostering this toughness was a top priority for me as a father, which is why I take so much joy in how the entire event unfolded. Growing up with many Italian women in my life, the drama around getting hurt and physical risk-taking was absurd. Italian women, by and large, are loving and nurturing in a way that few can understand and for that, I am grateful. But their way of expressing love means they’re not raising many fighter pilots or cage fighters.
Now, I am quite obviously not an Italian woman, so I wasn’t too worried about mimicking such behaviours. Nevertheless, raising children who aren’t afraid of “doing dangerous things carefully” has always been a priority of mine and I felt it pay off this past weekend.
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Children’s Book Update!
Last Friday, I finally digitised the illustrations.
Turns out Staples meets all the requirements for digitising paintings so that they’re ready to be assembled as a book. My next task is to Photoshop out blemishes and creases left by the copier before moving on to putting the text beside each image.